


Girl help I'm writing angsty destiel

by heller_stacey_abrams



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28084761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heller_stacey_abrams/pseuds/heller_stacey_abrams
Summary: Cas and Dean meet in heaven after the events in 15x20 (I'm sorry I know that was an awful episode but I had an idea and it has to stay canon for it to work)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Since Cas Died

**Author's Note:**

> this is but a chapter and It's very short but if I don't post this rn, nothing will ever get done so

Dean

It was three weeks since everything ended, since Cas died. Everything had come back, Jack had brought them back, but everything still felt grey, dead. Dean didn’t know why he hadn’t asked Jack about him. He just couldn’t let himself think about it, even if it was to bring him back.  _ Why couldn’t I just ask, what’s wrong with me.  _ He couldn’t even bring himself to think about Cas’ name unless he was 10 shots of whisky deep into a drunken haze. He couldn’t because-

Dean took another shot and opened his computer. He found something. “Hey SAMMY.” 

Everything felt so clear and empty. When Dean was killing monsters he didn’t have to think about anything else. Nothing but what was right in front of him, no more apocalypse, no more lost family, no more C-

He felt something tear through him, something raw. 

“Sammy I- I think-”

Everything felt foggy

“Please don’t leave, I don’t want to be alone”

And everything fell quiet.

  
  


Dean could feel the sun on his face, he began to hear the gentle humming of wildlife that he had learned to love when bobby taught him how to hunt. He felt  _ different _ for a moment, it wasn’t peace, but it was free. He could barely remember why he was there, but he knew it was heaven.

In the distance he saw Bobby and the Roadhouse, he could feel a weight returning to him, memories rushing back. Ellen, Jo, Ash, the hunts with Jo, all their quick jokes, the way Ellen was so protective of Jo, always worried she would-

He felt heavier

“So what memory is this? I don’t remember it” flashes of Bobby trying to kill Dick, a ghost, a shell of the man he once was plague Deans mind-  _ heavier _

“That’s because it’s not a memory.” Dean looks confused “The walls of heaven are down, things are the way they were always supposed to be, everyone together”  _ Everyone together, not every- _

“So Jack did all this huh?” He burry’s his previous thought and sits down next to Bobby.

“Well C-”  _ WHAT _ “-as helped too” everything in Dean short circuits. He looks away, a million thoughts rushing through his head  _ WHY DIDNT HE SAY ANYTHING WHERE WAS HE C- no.  _

He feigned a smile. 

“Yeah, all of this was Cas’ idea, son-of-a-bitch barely spoke he was so focused on setting things up, not that he spoke much before,” Bobby took a sip of his beer.

Dean stayed quiet for a few moments, trying to just focus on the way his knuckles were turning white and his jaw was clenching so hard his teeth could break. He turned his head to Bobby trying to act normal but coming off dry “Yeah that’s Cas” he smiles, visibly angry. 

Bobby notices but doesn’t do anything. “So uh, ya got all this time, what are you gonna do?” he takes another sip. 

“I think for now I’ll go for a drive,” he fakes a grin and stands up, “u know, uh, clear my mind.” He dusts himself off. 

“Dean, are you good? I mean I know you died, and god knows that ain’t easy, but you seem,” he pauses to think, “off?”

“Bobby I’m doing great, why wouldn't I be” He grins a little and walks to get into The Impala. “Just great, Uh I’ll see you around,” he waves goodbye.

“Okay well-” the car door slams. 

Cas

How was he so beautiful. That thought hurt more than anything. It burned. Cas never thought he would understand human emotion, and even as he felt it he didn’t. 

Creating Dean's heaven wasn’t the labor of love people might think it was, not to Cas, he didn’t think it sprang from love. To him, every ounce of it was built on Cas’ regret, every tree, rock, and mountain. Every small woodland creature and fish that dean might one day kill, was a place for Cas to put his pain.  _ Happiness is just in the being, just saying it _ , well hurt was in the hearing.  _ Hurt was in the hearing that- _

Cas had created a heaven for Dean so that perhaps he could find some comfort there that he never had or  _ could  _ in Cas. 

Getting Cas out of the Empty was a feat like nothing else. The empty had held to him, his favorite toy who he hadn’t even had the pleasure of torturing for more than a week. Everyone else it let go of, they were loud, they were too much to handle. But Cas had started The Empty’s pain. By the time they got him out, everything stung and his mouth was dry and he wanted nothing more than a glass of water. He was human. But Cas didn’t see the point in any of it, staying human, heaven needed more angels and he- well he just didn’t see the-

He told himself that he wouldn’t go back and see Dean, not after what happened. Of course, everyone around him saw that he was lying to himself, but in the lie was a numbing agent, and Cas didn’t want to know the pain.

So he put everything into making this heaven for Dean and refused to let himself feel outside of that act.

  
  
  


  
  



	2. His Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean keeps on driving, taking a break when it gets dark. And Cas ~ reminisces ~ while creating heavens.

Dean

_Left turn. Straight ahead. Right turn. Slight curve to the road. Straight ahead._

Driving always managed to clear Dean’s mind. It was just him, the road, and The Impala. If he stayed focused enough he wouldn’t think of anything else. And right now Dean couldn’t let himself think of anything else but the road, or else he might- slight swerve. _Keep your eyes on the road._ He gripped the steering wheel a little harder.

  
  


The sun was starting to go down. He looked out the window and wondered how long he’d been driving for. It made sense to Dean that he didn’t realize how long it’d been, he’d learned to ignore time when driving and even more when he didn’t want to think. 

So he kept on pushing those thoughts down and pushing on the gas pedal, more and more. _swerve. Stop._ _I shouldn't be driving._

He looked for a spot to park. All around him was forest and road, no empty space, just trees as far as he could see. He pulled to the side a little, hoping that if anyone else was on this road they’d move a little to the side.

He stepped out of the impala closing the door behind him. He looked around to see if maybe he had missed something, _no nothing but road and trees._ But something was nagging at him, bubbling up inside of him. He took a deep breath, trying to figure out what to do. The more he just stood there the more he could feel it, he had to do something.

It was too dark for a walk, and he couldn’t drive, not like this. Dean felt warm. _There’s nothing to -_ he kicked a small rock in front of him. 

THUNK

_Shit._ He started getting hot, really hot. 

Kick. 

He hit another rock. _Hotter._ He wasn’t sure what to do. He couldn’t let himself think he had to move. 

Kick

He couldn’t let himself do anything else. So he kicked and slammed and hit, and a point came where it was so dark he wasn’t really sure what he was pummeling on, maybe it was a tree maybe it was the car, but it was something, and it was there, and that was good enough. 

And the more he went on the hotter he felt inside. _Hotter_ and _hotter_ until he just felt

_Heavy_. He fell down to the floor on his knees. 

_Cas._

  
  
  
  


Cas

Cas didn’t have the same drive to create other people’s heavens that he did with Dean’s. But it had to be done and he still enjoyed it. The process was much more complicated than before. Well, Cas never created heaven’s before, but he had friends- compatriots, who did. Someone would die and their best memories would be made reality again, there was no guesswork in what they might like or who they’d want to be grouped with. It was similar to computers, mechanic. Which was probably why Cas never wanted anything to do with it. Cas had preferred visiting people’s heavens much more than he did the idea of making them. But that was before, now, there was something beautiful about fitting together the puzzle pieces of people's lives and creating an entirely different picture. 

Diane Johnson, she was an old woman, 88, died in her sleep next to her wife. She led a good long life, a peaceful one. Her wife, Kelly, would likely join her soon. Her heaven would be connected to all their friends, which would then connect to their loved ones, and so on until everyone was connected - _Six degrees of separation, Sam mentioned that._ Castiel shook his head. Diane had always wanted a small house, somewhere quiet, ever since she was a little kid. Her mother had to take her on a bus to get to the city, every day, on the bus for two hours, looking at the grey concrete and smelling the cloudy air. She had always hated the city. So Cas made her a small cottage with an extra room for the nights Kelly felt restless and didn’t want to wake her. 

_Well, maybe no second room right now_. 

Cas was worried it might feel empty, he knew the feeling of not having a _lo- someone_ around.

It didn’t take too long but when Cas was done he felt a little proud, creating heaven for someone took an understanding, one that he had been working on for nearly twelve years. 

Next was a man from Singapore named Dasha. He died young, only 24. Cas didn’t want to know how he died, he didn’t need to. He would be alone until his family came, at least he wouldn’t be with anyone he was too close with. For now, Cas would put him with some people his age he’d get along with. Cas sorted through his interest and memories. When he was ten his family took him to a zoo, for the next two years he wanted to be a veterinarian. He had his first kiss when he was 16 in the back of the car his mom bought for him. But what stuck out to Cas was a memory from when he was 5 and his parents put on Led Zeppelin for the first time. He remembered, _Dean-_

Dean

Dean had been working on the mixtape for a few weeks now, it was a labor of- _well it was labor_. And not the kind Dean was used to, hours of picking just the right songs, putting them on the tape, listening back to make sure they were perfect. Not to mention how long it took him to actually give it to Cas, not that he had yet, he was about to. Dean didn’t know why he was so nervous _it’s just a damn mixtape, it’s not like I’m asking him to prom_ Dean _joked._

_Deep Breath._ Dean knocked on his door “Uh hey Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Can I come in?” _Deep Breath_

“Yes of course Dean,” the door opened. Cas was sitting at his desk doing something with a needle and thread, it wasn’t sewing, he was making a flower. 

“I um, what’s that called?”

  
  


“Oh this is embroidery,” Cas turned to Dean to show him, “see I’m making a small bouquet, I’m trying to capture the likeness of this flower,” he picked up the magazine on his desk and showed Dean an illustration of yellow and pink flowers. “But it is” he paused, “difficult, why do you ask?”

Dean felt more calm seeing Cas like this, gentle, happy.

“Oh uh nothing just curious,” _deep breath,_ “Hey Cas, buddy, I actually got something for you- well I didn’t- I um, I made it,” he stumbled over himself a little. “Here, it has all of Zeppelin's best hits,” he pulled the little caset out of his pocket and handed it to Cas. 

Cas looked at Dean and tilted his head. He was looking at him the way he always had, like he _was staring right into_ him _, trying to figure out how_ he _worked_ , and Dean couldn’t help but stare back. 

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas broke the eye contact to examine the caset, turning it around in his hands, “Um, how will I listen to it?”

“Oh right- shit-” Dean panicked a little, _I completely forgot,_ “Uh stay right there,” he ran to his room to go get his cassette player and nearly tripped on his way back. _deep breath._ He walked into the room again, “here you can have this one I can get another.” He looked at Cas who seemed confused, “lemme show you how to put it in,” he put the player on Cas’s desk and reached out to grab the mixtape from Cas who handed it to him. “You just put it in like this and give it a second, then hit the play button.” Cas went to push play, “Oh no, on your own, you listen to it on your own,” he smiled at Cas.

“Oh well thank you, was that all?” Dean looked at him, he knew his question wasn’t an invitation to leave, he smiled at him and chuckled a little.

“Yeah that’s all Cas,” he looked in the eyes again, trying to get _that look._

“Well in that case I’ll get back to my embroidery, you’re welcome to stay if you want,” and he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed this one, writing Dean's part was difficult but I think it worked out in the end. Also, I know I was the one who wrote this but the mixtape scene lives rent-free in my head I haven't stopped thinking about it.


End file.
